Working with you to enable change
Anxiety & Depression
Whilst it is not the same for everyone, anxiety and depression can be linked for many people.
Anxiety
It is quite common for people to experience some anxiety in life, this is quite normal. However, how often and how severe that anxiety is can vary dramatically from person to person. When it interferes with how you live your life, then it becomes a problem. Anxiety can be affected by events that have happened in your life, similar events, people, or memories can trigger the 'fight, flight or freeze' response. This response is a survival response that we all have. To begin with, your thoughts affect your emotions; both of which affect how you physically feel. What can happen is that our thoughts, emotions and bodies can 'hold' this response called hypervigilance; where your mind and body become stuck in this mode, making it difficult to relax, being constantly on guard. This can affect what you do or don't do. In this way your behavior backs up your original thoughts and this becomes a vicious cycle.
My aim is to help you to understand where your anxiety originated and what events if any, may have added to it. I would work at a pace that suits you, enabling you to understand what has led to you feeling the way you do and feeling so anxious, enabling you to change how you manage your anxiety, to significantly decrease it.
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Depression
We can all feel down at times, sometimes it can be difficult to recognise when feeling down becomes depression. Depression can creep up on you too, starting with feeling low then moving to not wanting to go to work or talk to anyone. You may work from home and feel isolated, especially in recent times with Covid. A sign of depression can also be when you feel you just don't want to get out of bed, when you feel there's very little or no joy in your life, not even wanting to speak to family and friends.
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There are different degrees of depression, and it can affect people in different ways, some more severe than others but all having a major impact on how we feel about ourselves and our lives.
​Recognising that there is help available, through counselling, you can begin to work towards feeling better by understanding why you feel the way you do and help you find ways that works for you to improve your quality of life.
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Abuse
There are many types of abuse soI have tried to give a brief outline of the different types of abuse in each section below. I hope you find these helpful. Childhood abuse can be a single event or continual abuse for a number of years; it can be hidden from family and friends or inflicted by them.  It can be physical, sexual or/and psychological. ‘Grooming', is a type of abuse of which there is a growing awareness in recent years. It is usually but not always by older people who may initially offer to 'help' children and young adults, manipulating them to gain their trust, sometimes threatening and intimidating them, other times even telling them they love them, usually, purely for their own sexual gratification. That child or young adult has then lost their feeling of safety, leading to difficulties trusting others and impact on any future relationships.  Domestic abuse is generally recognised as abuse by someone in a close personal relationship, often a current partner, civil partner wife or husband but in some cases an ex too.   It can also apply to a family member or even carer.  This type of abuse can include physical, sexual, psychological and financial abuse as well as coercive or controlling behavior and online or digital abuse too. It can happen to anyone regardless of ethnicity, class, religious group, sexuality or disability. The abuser can use psychological abuse to control, coerce and belittle their partner, sometimes in front of others. The person being abused may even begin to believe that they have ‘done something wrong’ and threats of violence can be enough to keep control. However, and when they are challenged the abuser's inability to control their rage can lead to a sudden explosion of violent behavior. This can be so extreme that it can cause the person to fear for their life. Demanding sex or sexual acts and rape can and sadly does happen in domestic abuse. It is not uncommon for people to feel too scared, embarrassed or weak and so not tell anyone or report domestic abuse. The effects of this abuse can leave the person feeling anxious and unsafe even when free from the abuse; it can impact on their physical and mental health and possible future relationships too. Psychological abuse can be part of other types of abuse (physical & Sexual) but can also be a form of abuse in itself. This abuse leaves no physical scars but can seriously impact mental health and wellbeing. The term 'love bombing' is a form of psychological abuse. Upon getting to know somebody, after only a couple of dates it can become VERY intense very quickly. At first this can seem very flattering, and the Love Bomber can make you feel very special, wanting to be with you all the time, telling you they love you very early on, messaging constantly, and expecting an immediate reply. However, they can turn cold just as quickly when they don’t get your full undivided attention. ‘Gas lighting’ is a term used to describe when an abuser manipulates their partner by making them doubt themselves, causing confusion and lack of belief in their own judgement and even their own sanity. Narcissism and controlling behavior are often associated with this type of abuse. When questioned about their attitude or behavior they manipulate the conversation to make the other person believe it’s their fault. They can twist the truth so that the person begins to doubt it themselves. Narcissists believe their own truth and expect others to do the same. The experience I have of working with clients who have suffered various types of abuse has enabled me to recognise that it is essential to work with a client's past, enabling them to share their experiences when they're ready, to help them to understand the impact of abuse on them as an individual, from the physical, sexual and psychological trauma they have suffered and the effect this may have had on their self-worth and self-esteem. I will challenge beliefs that the abuser may have instilled in a client about themselves, enabling the client to re-establish who they really are and find their own path in their world.
Bereavement
Losing someone close can feel devastating, accepting their death and that they are no longer here can feel overwhelming or make you feel numb at times. You may experience the loss in any number of ways and although feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, anxious and emotionally exhausted are recognised as 'normal' in experiencing grief, everyone is different, some people may feel more anger, another more sadness and you can experience them all at different times, in waves almost. Talking about how you're feeling with friends or family can help. It can be difficult, especially after the first few months as others lives move on and you are still experiencing your loss quite deeply.
Talking to others who may also be experiencing grief may mean that you don't feel able to share your own grief , or possibly they just don't understand how you still feel. This is where I as a counsellor can really help, having someone you can be open and honest with about how you feel , someone who can sit with you in your grief and work with you to enable you to see a flicker of hope beyond the grief , experiencing life without your loved one , realising that it is possible to do that, enabling you to look to a different future to what you expected, a future with new paths and possibilities.
Pet Bereavement
I have shared my life with dogs and cats over many years. I understand what a very difficult time their illness or loss can be. This is especially true as some people don’t understand grieving for the loss of what they may think of as ‘just a pet’. Sharing, processing and working through the loss, can help in the same way if you lose a human family members because he/she/they weren’t ‘just pets’ but a dear close friend and member of your family.
I have been working as a counsellor since 2016. Once I qualified, I realised there was a need for bereavement counselling for those people who had lost the non-human member of their family, be that their dog, cat bird etc. Having someone who can listen to the life you shared as well as the loss you suffer and enable you to freely process your grief can really help. If you would like to speak to me about your loss, or ill health, you can contact me using my details below.
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Relationships
You may have many relationships in life, but the most important is the relationship you have with yourself.
How you feel about yourself will have begun when you were young, with the relationship you had with your family, caregiver and your peers at school. How you look can also have an impact on how you see and feel about yourself as indeed may work colleagues. Partners, wives and husbands can have a positive or negative affect on how you feel and how you live your life. You can experience really good and happy times during these relationships or unhappy, sad or even unnerving times.
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All these relationships may have or had an impact on how you feel or see yourself as an individual. Exploring how these relationships have impacted you and how you feel about certain relationships. Whether they have or are helping or hindered you. Working through these can really enable you to recognise who you really are , what you really want and how you really feel about you, the real you, the you underneath the job, the partner, the children. Who you really are. I will work with you to provide the time and space for you to be honest and open about how you feel about yourself and those around you both present and past, enabling you to work towards empowering yourself to be able to express your true feelings, love and accept yourself and become the person you want to be.
Self Worth & Self Esteem
Self-worth and self-esteem are not the same, however, they are directly linked to how you value and feel about yourself.
These can have a seriously negative impact on a person’s life, feeling they are never ‘good enough’ or. They may feel they don’t deserve to be happy or have a good job, nice family. It can make you feel hopeless and even feel like an outsider with friends and other family members. not believing in themselves and sometimes putting their trust in others who may take advantage of their lack of self-belief.
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Self-worth is what you believe you deserve and comes from parents and caregivers, the way you were brought up affects how you feel about yourself and if you felt ‘worthy’ of love and affects as a child.
Self-esteem is how also how you feel you are seen by others too, status, looks, finances, profession etc. so this can change.
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A very basic example is that if a child, had parents that felt intelligence is the most important asset of a person, to be and being successful is the ultimate goal. Then their child may feel that they have to be academically successful to be worthy, constantly push themselves to ‘live up to their parent’s ideal, even to their own detriment.
Alternatively, a child whose parents may have told her/him 'your useless' may then believe that. Feeling unlovable and not worthy or deserving of affection. Spending their lives believing this to be true.
As a counsellor I can work with you to explore why you feel the way you do about yourself and what you can do to feel better about yourself.
Substance and alcohol misuse
Life can be challenging, so we look for ways to help us deal with these challenges, sometimes the strategies we use to deal with these may seem useful at first but can develop into self destructive habits, numbing the pain or stress only briefly, then causing more hurt to yourself and others along the way. A cycle can develop that feels like you're in a loop, for example drink or use, hurt, feel bad, drink or use, repeat. It can feel like there is no other way, whilst you know you are causing yourself physical harm (and possibly others) and emotional distress and possibly even mental health problems too.
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Counselling is not a miracle cure, however, being able to express how you really feel about yourself and others can help, being honest and open with yourself and your counsellor can enable you to begin to really experience a different way of being. Seeing some light at the end of the tunnel, working together to find ways to enable you to feel ready to make changes in your life is how I work with clients to enable them to see beyond their past or even present self and work towards a new self, who values themselves and those around them.
